Those of us who have an addiction, or dual addictions, can get clean and sober. We can attain the "happiness, joyousness, and freedom" that the Big Book of AA promises. We can change our thinking and behavior, practicing healthy behavior so frequently and so long that it becomes predominant. We can cause a change in … Continue reading BUT WE CANNOT BE “CURED” →

COMPARING OUR INSIDES TO OTHER PEOPLE'S OUTSIDES.... I suppose all human beings have a natural tendency to compare "our behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel," causing or amplifying insecurities. But for those of us with a mental illness and/or addiction, the insecurities can be much more intense and the consequences much more severe. In AA, … Continue reading COMPARING OUR INSIDES TO OTHER PEOPLE’S OUTSIDES…. →

THE WIRE MONKEYS AMONGST US In Harry Harlow's horrific experiments with monkeys and "wire-mothers," he demonstrated the permanent damage done by the absence of a healthy emotional bond with one's caregiver. And my life experience not only affirms the permanent damage, it also demonstrates that a care-giver bond based on severely restricted, conditional love continues … Continue reading THE WIRE MONKEYS AMONGST US →

A LETTER FROM A PORN ADDICT (TO A PORN ADDICT) Dear X, When you feel tempted to act out, pull out this letter. If you are reading it, you are already preoccupied with thoughts of acting out and starting to feel the thrill of the pleasure. Please PAUSE and read this all the way through, … Continue reading A LETTER FROM A PORN ADDICT (TO A PORN ADDICT) →

ANXIETY: THE INSIDIOUS, NOXIUS VINE Anxiety has nearly always been silent suffering for me. Edvard Munch's "The Scream" captures the essence of anxiety for me. The painting's "protagonist" is doing exactly what I have done when anxiety has stricken me in a social or public setting. His expression and body language belie that his terror … Continue reading ANXIETY: THE INSIDIOUS, NOXIUS VINE →

CELEBRATION OF DEATH: THE ANNIHILATION OF MY INNER SUPERMAN The birth of my inner Superman was an abomination of epic proportions. His death is an event to be celebrated with the fervor of newly minted parents. As a child, I felt and believed that I had to earn love. The coping mechanism that I developed … Continue reading CELEBRATION OF DEATH: THE ANNIHILATION OF MY INNER SUPERMAN →

OVERLOAD MODE It took life beating the holy hell out of me, but I finally realized that if I want to live a stable life with a reasonable degree of peace of mind, I need to apply myself to a mental and spiritual regimen each day. Including prayer, spiritual/recovery readings, cognitive behavioral therapy, the AA … Continue reading OVERLOAD MODE →

NO ONE EDUCATED ME ON MENTAL HEALTH For many years I thought it was normal to soar to precipitous emotional heights, only to find myself plunging to crippling emotional lows. In my world, it was normal to ruminate and obsess, replaying the same torturous memory of me in a shameful situation over and over until … Continue reading NO ONE EDUCATED ME ON MENTAL HEALTH →

BEAUTIFUL SCARS "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." -Dalai Lama XIV Years of, first existing, and now living with Bipolar Disorder have left me with many wounds. Fortunately, many of them have healed into scars. My emotional and physical scars are signs of my tenacity, but more importantly, they are God's fingerprints left … Continue reading BEAUTIFUL SCARS →

CAMOUFLAGED AGONY My 51 years of living with Bipolar Disorder and 26 years of living in the recovery, spiritual, and mental wellness communities have taught me that we humans are masters at camouflaging our pain. Particularly if it is mental or emotional. One reason is simple survival instinct. Vulnerable animals (including human animals) are the … Continue reading CAMOUFLAGED AGONY →