“It’s Likely That the Greatest Battle You Will Ever Face Will Be With Yourself”
Accepting the truth of that statement came as easy to me as believing that a person needs oxygen to survive.
Through birth and indoctrination (in what Attachment Therapist, Dan Gabberts, calls the “boot camp of childhood that trains us for the battle of life,”) my psyche was twisted into a Gordian Knot that predisposed me to intense self-hatred and self-abuse. And Gordian Knots are not easily unraveled.
Before finding one-day-at-a-time sobriety and stability (the Holy Grail) in 2010, on a grueling quest that began in 1993, a number of clinicians told me that I was the most self-destructive patient they had ever had.
I WAS that woman in the graphic below. Like her, I was straining with every ounce of my being to drown myself. And on a number of occasions, I was almost successful.
If I wasn’t taking ridiculously dangerous and unnecessary risks or contemplating or planning ending my life, I was intentionally putting myself through excruciating circumstances (i.e. running distance and restricting food until I nearly died). Or putting cigarettes out on myself. Or inflicting acute mental torture with viscious, relentless recriminations by my inner voice for alleged “wrongs” and “mistakes” that most people would call “being human.”
Sadly, there are many other examples. But the Higher Power of my understanding had a plan. It has taken 26 years to come to fruition and is still a work in progress. But when I do self-care, work my recovery regimen, and lean on my Higher Power and support network, much of the time I am at peace with myself, love myself, and feel comfortable in my own skin.
It sure feels good to be waging peace with myself!