TORMENTED BY MY OWN MIND

TORMENTED BY MY OWN MIND

Surviving with Bipolar Disorder 2, Alcoholism, and a Porn Addiction that were untreated, and then inadequately treated, for many years, my mind tortured me relentlessly and mercilessly much of that time until I found relative spiritual fitness and stability in 2010.

It had so many weapons in its arsenal, and I had so few healthy defenses in mine, that I resorted to myriad self-destructive, toxic behaviors that we’re harmful to others and to me -as a perverse form of self-preservation.

My mind attacked me with withering, shaming, and exhausting ruminations of how incompetent and cowardly I was. It hammered away at me with obsessive worrying over minutiae that consumed my conscious thoughts for hours on end and flooded me with misery. It focused almost exclusively on anything negative that occurred or might occur AND on the negatives in nearly everyone and everything around me.

Functioning took every ounce of my persistence. And it was simply awful, with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Fortunately, I (barely) survived those challenging times when my mind was my enemy.

Today, by God’s grace, phenomenal therapists, gratitude, affirmations, prayer, spiritual and recovery readings, AA, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, medication, exercise, EMDR, and an amazing support network, my mind is usually at least neutral -and works on my behalf.

Sometimes it’s even my best friend.