There is definitely an existential, spiritual fatigue that sleep can’t even begin to touch

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There is definitely an existential, spiritual fatigue that sleep can’t even begin to touch.

Anyone who has suffered from an untreated mental illness or addiction and whose lives have deteriorated to the point where their every waking moment is a struggle to find the will to keep going and survive understands.

Those of us who have made many enemies, gotten in deep legal problems, accrued astronomical debt, wrecked our major relationships, isolated ourselves, and/or have lived in poverty or on the streets get it.

Or who have had to tell lie upon lie and run hustle upon hustle just to tread water can relate.

Or who have met our match in the form of our illness or addiction and been beaten down to the ground know the feeling.

Few experiences in my life have been as discouraging and frightening as my (hopefully) final rock bottom in 2010. No suicidality that time. Just a feeling of utter defeat, loss of will to go on, and existential fatigue. I simply couldn’t muster the fighting spirit that had kept me going my whole life.

The blessing was that that was my Dark Night of the Soul that led to my surrender to a life of spiritual Recovery in AA. Thank the Higher Power of my understanding for AA giving me a new architecture for living when my “soul was that tired.”

May all of the still suffering mentally ill and addicts hit their bottoms (hopefully with a soft landing) so they too can find the motivation to practice whatever modality of Recovery suits them.

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