Depression still scares me. Though it’s been several years since I suffered clinical Depression, it has sucked every ounce of joy and zest for life from me, like a Black Hole devouring galaxies, on numerous occasions. For months or years at a time.
Sometimes when I feel sad, I start fearing I will get stuck there, plunging back into the abyss of Depression.
Before I was blessed with adaptive coping skills, meds, therapy, CBT, and spiritual Recovery in AA, I was powerless before this merciless, soul-crushing demon that could have it’s way with me and reduce me to a state of despair and suicidality.
Metallic captured the essence of the state of Depression well with their song, Fade to Black:
“Life, it seems will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can’t be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me but now he’s gone”
My “remedy” was to escape this state of living Hell by sublimating my feelings of emptiness and hopelessness into hate and rage. Though they were just as detrimental to me, and they harmed others, they offered a sense of empowerment and “life” in the sense that they enabled me to take action. And they “lifted” me out of my Depression.
Before Recovery, Depression was my natural “resting state,” when I crashed from a manic high or an addictive bender.
Depression definitely has “left me with nothing but the worst experiences of my life” on at least three rock bottom occasions. But the silver lining (blessing) is that each time, I was motivated to grow and continue on my Recovery journey.