I WAS THE EMPTY CAN RATTLING THE MOST "They say the empty can rattles the most." -Metallica Many seem to have the misperception that one who is quiet is weak. Or that silence in response to angry provocations is a weak sign of tacit acquiescence. Small wonder! Our archetypal heroes, most of whom are forged … Continue reading I WAS THE EMPTY CAN RATTLING THE MOST →

"AA is the story of beggars telling other beggars where to find bread." Sharing my experience, strength, and hope, gathered over the course of 26 of some form of recovery, is the reason I write. Sincere faith tells me that someone, somewhere will relate and feel inspired or affirmed in some way. Sometimes, and this … Continue reading “AA is the story of beggars telling other beggars where to find bread.” →

"Accept Who You Are and Revel in It" Self-hatred is abject misery. I hated myself for years, most assuredly qualifying me as an authority on this matter. Consumerism and marketing taught me to hate myself as I grew up watching television for hours on end. "YOU need to own this sports car, wear this cologne, … Continue reading “Accept Who You Are and Revel in It” →

We are the People of "Mo' Dat" Like the rats in the infinitely cruel "cocaine experiments," we addicts lack the capacity to delay gratification -When we are active in our addictions. We are the children in the "Marshmallow Experiment" who immediately gobbled the gooey glob rather than patiently waiting for the opportunity to walk away … Continue reading We are the People of “Mo’ Dat” →

IT'S GETTING BAD AGAIN Those are the most terrifying words in the English language for someone with a mental illness who has found mental health. The prospect of my Bipolar demons clawing their way out of the depths of my psyche, grasping hold of me with the relentless grip of their Jules Verne Squid-like tentacles, … Continue reading IT’S GETTING BAD AGAIN →

Those of us who have an addiction, or dual addictions, can get clean and sober. We can attain the "happiness, joyousness, and freedom" that the Big Book of AA promises. We can change our thinking and behavior, practicing healthy behavior so frequently and so long that it becomes predominant. We can cause a change in … Continue reading BUT WE CANNOT BE “CURED” →

COMPARING OUR INSIDES TO OTHER PEOPLE'S OUTSIDES.... I suppose all human beings have a natural tendency to compare "our behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel," causing or amplifying insecurities. But for those of us with a mental illness and/or addiction, the insecurities can be much more intense and the consequences much more severe. In AA, … Continue reading COMPARING OUR INSIDES TO OTHER PEOPLE’S OUTSIDES…. →

THE WIRE MONKEYS AMONGST US In Harry Harlow's horrific experiments with monkeys and "wire-mothers," he demonstrated the permanent damage done by the absence of a healthy emotional bond with one's caregiver. And my life experience not only affirms the permanent damage, it also demonstrates that a care-giver bond based on severely restricted, conditional love continues … Continue reading THE WIRE MONKEYS AMONGST US →

A LETTER FROM A PORN ADDICT (TO A PORN ADDICT) Dear X, When you feel tempted to act out, pull out this letter. If you are reading it, you are already preoccupied with thoughts of acting out and starting to feel the thrill of the pleasure. Please PAUSE and read this all the way through, … Continue reading A LETTER FROM A PORN ADDICT (TO A PORN ADDICT) →

ANXIETY: THE INSIDIOUS, NOXIUS VINE Anxiety has nearly always been silent suffering for me. Edvard Munch's "The Scream" captures the essence of anxiety for me. The painting's "protagonist" is doing exactly what I have done when anxiety has stricken me in a social or public setting. His expression and body language belie that his terror … Continue reading ANXIETY: THE INSIDIOUS, NOXIUS VINE →